its not as good as it sounds.
i cannot make the feeling of constantly being needed go away.
usually it is very tolerable because i go out of my way to make friends and realistically should never feel alone, but i do. and it happens a lot.
when there is talk about introverts, it seems like they are constantly apologizing for not wanting to talk to people. i've seen and heard so many people talk about being an introvert and just needing to be alone, but how it puts a damper on things because they can sometimes be seen as shutting out everyone else.
being the complete polar opposite, you'd imagine, would be fine because all you have to do is talk to people, and genuinely enjoy other people's company. but i need much more than that.
i go through bouts of depression when i don't have people to talk to.
when i wake up in the morning and don't have any text messages, i get a pit in my stomach.
when i don't get a reply for a few hours, i notice, and get remarkably upset.
and believe me, no one gets more frustrated with this than i do.
its painful because i am constantly putting myself into a bad mood from convincing myself no one likes me.
its a strange cycle, because then i will start talking to people that i miss that are away, and then i have 10 unread messages and i feel on top of the world.
its ridiculous that i feel like i need everyone else's approval to feel better about myself, but i suppose its just turned into such a habit now that it is hard to stop.
its a shame though, because getting by on something that i can't entirely control makes it all a little more difficult.
i have a lot of friends. but friends that don't know each other. i don't ever sit in class alone, and i always find myself running into people at school, but, for most of them, i couldn't imagine going out to a bar, or inviting them over to my house. the best way i can put it is; i have a lot of "lets go for coffee" friends, and not a lot of "lets spend all weekend watching disney movies and drinking wine" friends. (even though those are the best friends to have.. so even having them in small numbers is lovely.)
its hard to explain, and i know i am being a huge hypocrite of myself. but i have come to a standstill with it. the effort that i put in compared to a lot of other people is definitely not an equal ratio, because i aim to make everyone else happy. i've accepted that i have that kind of relationship with a lot of people. it still puts a damper on a lot of my days, and i've found myself getting more and more upset because it happens so frequently. but i have definitely understood that the real issue is me, and i've been trying to work on it.
but i'm just getting lonelier and having to remind myself to stop being silly.
i've been spending a lot of time with just me. taking a lot of breaks, and pampering myself, and trying to make myself happy, because as much as i don't want to believe it, its all about me being insecure.
the idea to fixing the whole issue of being insecure is to start liking yourself more, but i think its so much easier to pretend that i am just lonely and need more friends.
i couldn't tell you why i am insecure.. it feels like i'm pretty confident with myself and i genuinely enjoy my life most of the time.
unfortunately the constant need for validation literally wipes out that whole aspect because i no longer can be happy unless other people are involved.
this is much more of a complain-y thing than not, so I'm sorry. but this is mostly about convincing myself that i can fix my own problems.. it was supposed to end on a positive uplifting note, but i suppose this is the best i can do for now.
