because sometimes it looks easier to be grumpy.

even though it is not.
its never easier to be grumpy.
but it seems like such a great idea to just sulk it out until it gets better.
it's not.

if i could make a list of people who probably do not agree with the decisions i've been making, or don't enjoy me anymore as a person, the list would probably be pretty long.
but after writing out a list like that, it's much more important to stop and look back at all the people that would be on the list of the opposite end of the spectrum.
while i was sulking and being grumpy and wallowing in self pity, someone said "All I can say is theres also a lot of people out there that really do care about you."
and there is.
a lot of people.
and i've made a positive impact on a lot of peoples lives.
but its so easy to become completely clouded with the negative.

it's hard to stop caring. especially when it feels like I am programmed to only care about who doesn't like me.
as happy as i would be in this exact moment to pack up and just leave, there's lots of people that I couldn't leave hanging here.

maybe i should just spend more time with the people that really care about me,  the people who can look past mistakes that i've made because i mean enough to them. and stop wasting daylight on people who don't.

even though this may go unread, writing always makes me feel better.
good work jordan. way to go. problem solving and stuff. :)

death

i've never been good with this concept. my go-to tactic is to pretend it won't happen and that it's not real because actually dealing with it seems unfathomable.
so the last two nights i've been hysterically crying myself to sleep, trying to understand how someone could kill another person. watch the life literally drain out of them.
there is no way my brain can wrap around this idea.
and then i throw myself into any of the family members, or friends positions, and i get even more upset because it doesn't make any sense to me that someone could die, and never come back again.

so besides the whole issue of me being mentally incapable at handling emotions at all,
i went to florida georgia line last night, and i wasn't too thrilled because i had a final this morning and a paper, so i wanted to be studying but i promised my sister i would go with her.
and then, i'm sure you've seen it around, they say something about a song going out to the people affected by the "shooting a couple weeks ago. or something. or a couple days ago or something.." and i sat down in my seat and was just dumbfounded.

so with that newspaper article going around today, someone posted it and said "i was at the concert and i do not agree with this person at all!" going on about it and how we should be thankful that they have their sympathy and accept their idea of helping.

this is what i wrote out to them.

"i think its more of a disrespect thing. it just seems like the stabbing is nothing to be taken lightly, and when i heard them say that it was a "shooting a couple weeks ago, or a couple days ago" my heart sank. to me, it sounded like these 5 people that died weren't even worth the extra 5 minutes they could have read in literally every paper. i get it, they're big super stars and such, and have busy lives, but everyone that was directly, and even indirectly affected by this tragedy has had their lives completely put on hold because of a terrible terrible thing. I'm not trying to start a rebuttal, and i agree that this article isn't the view of every person who was in the stadium last night. but right now ts way too soon for people to be even close to taking these things lightly."

what i wanted to say was something with a lot of swear words about how dumb they are and that they shouldn't be allowed to reproduce. and they should never pretend that something isn't offensive when they have no idea how everyone else feels. i was straight up appalled and i didn't actually know any of the people that died.

well, i didn't end up posting it anyways. but thats all. its been a bad couple days for me, but i can't imagine what any of the families or friends are feeling.

the real issue

i am an extrovert. opposite of an introvert. but not only am i an extrovert, i am an extreme extrovert.

its not as good as it sounds.

i cannot make the feeling of constantly being needed go away.

usually it is very tolerable because i go out of my way to make friends and realistically should never feel alone, but i do. and it happens a lot.

when there is talk about introverts, it seems like they are constantly apologizing for not wanting to talk to people. i've seen and heard so many people talk about being an introvert and just needing to be alone, but how it puts a damper on things because they can sometimes be seen as shutting out everyone else.

being the complete polar opposite, you'd imagine, would be fine because all you have to do is talk to people, and genuinely enjoy other people's company. but i need much more than that.

i go through bouts of depression when i don't have people to talk to.

when i wake up in the morning and don't have any text messages, i get a pit in my stomach. 

when i don't get a reply for a few hours, i notice, and get remarkably upset.

and believe me, no one gets more frustrated with this than i do. 

its painful because i am constantly putting myself into a bad mood from convincing myself no one likes me. 

its a strange cycle, because then i will start talking to people that i miss that are away, and then i have 10 unread messages and i feel on top of the world.

its ridiculous that i feel like i need everyone else's approval to feel better about myself, but i suppose its just turned into such a habit now that it is hard to stop.

its a shame though, because getting by on something that i can't entirely control makes it all a little more difficult.

i have a lot of friends. but friends that don't know each other. i don't ever sit in class alone, and i always find myself running into people at school, but, for most of them, i couldn't imagine going out to a bar, or inviting them over to my house. the best way i can put it is; i have a lot of "lets go for coffee" friends, and not a lot of "lets spend all weekend watching disney movies and drinking wine" friends. (even though those are the best friends to have.. so even having them in small numbers is lovely.)

its hard to explain, and i know i am being a huge hypocrite of myself. but i have come to a standstill with it. the effort that i put in compared to a lot of other people is definitely not an equal ratio, because i aim to make everyone else happy. i've accepted that i have that kind of relationship with a lot of people. it still puts a damper on a lot of my days, and i've found myself getting more and more upset because it happens so frequently. but i have definitely understood that the real issue is me, and i've been trying to work on it.

but i'm just getting lonelier and having to remind myself to stop being silly.

i've been spending a lot of time with just me. taking a lot of breaks, and pampering myself, and trying to make myself happy, because as much as i don't want to believe it, its all about me being insecure.
the idea to fixing the whole issue of being insecure is to start liking yourself more, but i think its so much easier to pretend that i am just lonely and need more friends.
i couldn't tell you why i am insecure.. it feels like i'm pretty confident with myself and i genuinely enjoy my life most of the time.
unfortunately the constant need for validation literally wipes out that whole aspect because i no longer can be happy unless other people are involved.

this is much more of a complain-y thing than not, so I'm sorry. but this is mostly about convincing myself that i can fix my own problems.. it was supposed to end on a positive uplifting note, but i suppose this is the best i can do for now.

a new start.

no more old posts that i can get embarrassed about. they're all still available, just not out here. stay tuned.